Watching New Moon
by The Lady Cloudy
Summary: The sequel to "Watching Twilight." After watching Twilight, Prim and Effie decide that they simply have to watch New Moon. A crackfic co-written with Antha23 and Allibella731.


**Watching New Moon**

"Why are we watching another one of these Twishit movies?" Katniss asked as she sat down in one of the soft velvet chairs in the Capitol theatre. She, accompanied by Prim, Gale, Annie, Haymitch, Effie, Peeta, Finnick, and several others, was there to watch "New Moon." More accurately, Katniss had been dragged.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT EDWARD!" Effie cried, nearly jumping out of her seat. Gale and Peeta together just managed to restrain her. Effie had some secret muscles, apparently.

"Chill," Katniss sighed, rolling her eyes. "I wasn't insulting Edward. I was insulting the whole stupid saga."

"It's not a stupid saga. It's an amazing bestselling book series that is adored by millions," Prim argued, pouting and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Whatever," Katniss grumbled.

"I agree with you, Catnip," Gale whispered to Katniss.

"Why are you two whispering?" Peeta demanded, narrowing his eyes at Gale.

"Just go back to staring at Edward, Petal," Gale snapped.

"Don't call me Petal! My name is Peeta! P-I-T-A!" Peeta argued, earning him odd looks from everyone except Effie. Katniss and Gale exchanged a glance.

"Peeta, that's not how you spell your name," Katniss said in exasperation. "It's P-E-T-A."

"No, Katniss, it's P-E-A-T-A," Gale explained.

"I'm telling you it's spelled P-I-T-A," Peeta responded. "I think I know how to spell my own name. That's how it's spelled for the bread at any rate, and I. Love. Bread."

"You housewife! I don't care if that's the bread way, that is not how you spell your damn name. It goes P-E-E-H-T-A," replied Haymitch.

"Are you sure about that, Haymitch?" Primrose asked.

"Of course I'm sure! It's not like I'm drunk and drinking vodka out of the cup I got for free since I told the cashier that I wanted water or anything…" There was an awkward and guilty pause as Haymitch took a swig of the "water" in the cup.

"Well, I think it's necessary to say it in a British accent if it's going to be spelled correctly. P-E-E-T-A-H. Think of Lucy, in the Chronicles of Narnia, addressing Peter. Clearly, it's the same name!" Effie argued.

"Maybe it's P-E-E-T-A," murmured Annie. Several people glared at her.

"Of course not, silly," admonished Finnick. Everyone else rolled their eyes at the ridiculous suggestion.

"Now shut up, everyone! Edward is on screen!" Prim exclaimed.

On screen, Bella cut her thumb, looking as bored as usual. Jasper lunged across the room.

"It looks just like Cato! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh!" Peeta screamed. He started hallucinating. Maybe it was too much bread. He saw Cato, knife raised, cutting into the most glorious cake on the planet, ruining the perfect frosting.

"Noooo!" he moaned, clearly in agony. "Not the frosting!"

Katniss tried rubbing his shoulders and comforting him.

"Peeta, it's just the movie. You're alright. See? Look? It's a birthday cake…and look, it's Edward!" her voice was soothing and rather patronizing. Peeta whimpered softly.

"Cake? Edward?"

"Yes, Peeta! Wonderful!" she praised. I fucking hate this movie, she thought.

"Shut up. Edward is dealing with his severe emotional pain! Don't you feel for him? Don't you love him? How tragic!" Prim, back from the dead (again), was drooling over the vampire, clutching Effie.

"You need a handkerchief to wipe up the drool," Gale muttered. His sullen tone was a reminder that Jacob had yet to make an appearance, and Gale was certainly missing the werewolf.

"I sell personally embroidered handkerchiefs! Visit my new storefront—Finnick Odair's Perfect Princess Fabulous Beauty Parlor! Buy the Beautiful Bouncy Lavander Hair Bows for 50% off at the opening sale! Don't deal with drool or sweat any longer without stylish handkerchiefs to mop it up! Now, you can go to the Perfect Princess Fabulous Beauty Parlor and get a set of ten personalized embroidered handkerchiefs for only $19.99! Other stores might charge up to $200.00 for this incredible sale, but we are selling them for the excellent deal of only $19.99! Plus S&H, which is $156.99…but that's beside the point."

"JACOB!" Gale screamed. "Your abs are…delicious!" Gale was in Jacob paradise, because the tanned werewolf would never spend more than a minute at a time with his shirt on during the movie.

"Gale! What the hell? You were supposed to not want to see this!" Katniss yelled.  
>"You were supposed to be ON MY SIDE. What happened?" In her desperation, she didn't notice Effie's oversize pink crocodile-skin bag until it banged her on the head.<p>

"No talking while Edward's on screen!" she hissed angrily. Katniss rubbed her aching head. The bag contained several wigs, gold dyes and makeup products, something that felt a lot like iron bars, and quite possibly bricks. Effie must have been stronger than she looked to cart that thing around all the time.

Peeta…or was it Petal? Peata? Well, anyways, Peeta was uncurled from his ball of distress, now absorbed by Kristen Stewart's bored expression.

"What a promising young actress," he said. Everybody stared at him, whose eyes were riveted on Edward.

"What?" he said defensively. "I thought the whole 'be bored at all times' thing was the Hollywood style right now." Nobody even dignified the comment with a response. If any of the crew liked the movie, it wasn't for Stewart's acting (could it even be called acting?). It was for Edward's tortured and tragic past (and beautiful hair), or Jacob's abs.

"Why, Bella? Why? Why do you have to choose the white guy! Why does everybody always choose the pale guy who spends more time indoors—baking, for example—than roughing it in the woods? I feel your pain, man! Serious déjà vu!" Gale was inconsolable. The storyline was so relatable. It was practically real. Maybe it was real.

"Maybe it's real!" he burst out. The others, who hadn't been privy to the inner workings of his mind, were thoroughly confused.

"REAL or NOT REAL!" gasped Peehta (Pita?)! He started to convulse.

"I hate you right now, Gale," screamed Katniss. "Now I have to go and comfort him again! Why does this stupid movie upset him so much, anyways?" She knelt by Peetah's spasming form, murmuring bread names and stroking his hair.

"Rye, sourdough, unleavened. Crackers, cookies, pretzels. Come on, Peta. Calm down, muffin," Katniss soothed.

"Bread…" he repeated, rocking back and forth.

Nobody else seemed to be paying attention to the bread boy and his girlfriend. They were all transfixed by the screen, and Gale was now openly sobbing as Bella ignored Jacob to go chase after Edward.

"This is terrible! This is depressing! This is RACIST!" Gale wailed. He grabbed an embroidered handkerchief from Finnick, who was waving it in front of Gale's face, continually advertising the product. Haymitch gulped the last of his "water" and mournfully stared at the now-empty Red Solo Cup.

"Why is all the rum gone? Why is the rum always gone?"

"I thought it was vodka," Annie said, but Haymitch was too trashed to tell the difference.

"But you can just fill it up again, you know." Haymitch looked at her incredulously.

"REFILL a Red SOLO Cup?" he shouted. "What is your PROBLEM?"

"He's an alcoholic," Effie stated matter-of-factly. "That's what his problem is. I thought it was obvious enough if I figured it out already."

"Stop arguing already! I'm trying to watch Jacob's abs…er, I mean the movie!" Gale snapped, death glaring Effie and Haymitch.

"No one cares about Jacob, Edward is sooo much hotter. I'm totally Team Edward." Prim announced. "Who else is Team Edward?"

"Me! Me! Me! I'm totally Team Edward! He's amazing! No, he's more than amazing! I love him!" Effie squealed, bouncing up and down in her chair.

"I'm Team Edward, but can I be Team Bread at the same time?" Peeta asked in a soft voice.

"Team Bread?" Johanna demanded, leaning forward in her chair and looking at Peeta from where she sat a few chairs away. "Really, Peeta? I mean, are you frickin' kidding me? _Team Bread_? What the heck is your problem?"

"Johanna…" Peeta whimpered.

"—No!" Johanna cuts in. "Shut up! None of you freaks have let me talk during the whole goddamned movie! This movie is so stupid I can't even put it into words! And all of you are making it way harder to watch!"

"Angst much, Johanna?" Finnick laughed. "I think I know what would make you feel better? Finnick Odair's pretty pinkalicious hot pink lipstick with glitterific sparkles!"

"I don't want the damn lipstick, Finnick!" Johanna snapped.

"Johanna, please, calm down…" Peeta whimpered, his lip trembling. "You're scaring me."

"Good," Johanna growled.

"Want a drink, Jojo?" Haymitch asked, offering her the backup bottle of vodka that he'd hidden in his man purse. He held it out and she gratefully took it then took a long swig.

"Now we can get back to watching Jacob's abs…I mean the movie," Gale sighed as they all settled in to watch the rest of the movie. But the peace didn't last as the movie continued.

On screen, Edward took off his shirt. Johanna screamed in terror. Before anyone could do anything she pulled out at an axe, ready to throw it at Edward.

"No! Edward, I'll save you!" Peeta cried, jumping out in front of Johanna and her axe, but she didn't really seem to notice.

"Peeta, you idiot!" Katniss yelled, leaping out and tackling him to the ground before the axe sailed through the air and hit Edward between the eyes.

"Johanna!" Prim and Effie hissed, turning murderous glares on the short haired brunette.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note-<strong>

**This is the sequel to "Watching Twilight" and both are co-written with Antha32 and Allibella731. **


End file.
